Deathbed Trends ~ Funeral Crashers

I was listening to a podcast on this topic, and although it may sound macabre to some, it was actually quite interesting.

The people being interviewed consisted of those with first hand testimonials, describing end of life scenarios with loved ones.

There was a group of people with family secrets, and back stories – revealed in the discussions about their family member’s deathbed experience. 

Painful issues and outlines came out; from bigamy, to incest, childhood abuse, affairs, illegitimate children, and various conflicts leading up to long term estrangement.

All of these individuals gave a fairly detailed family history, and were able to express the emotional upheaval it caused for them.

For the most part, they were pointing out the range of family secrets, betrayals, misunderstandings, and the hope for resolution, and forgiveness, in the final days of life.

It represented a releasing of a multitude of memories, and mistakes. This often spanned decades, and more than one generation. 

In many of these cases, it was the impending death itself that brought about the only chance for reconciliation and forgiveness.

In some cases, the person on their deathbed grappled more with the issues, than the family did. In other cases, it was the family, or one member of the family, who struggled the most. They tried, and often succeeded in overcoming past differences.

One woman had an intense desire to know who her biological father was. As a teenager, she found out her father was not her biological father. She learned she had been adopted by him as a young child. She had done her own investigation, searching for the truth of her past. 

Her mother had lived in the country, and had given birth when she was just sixteen years old. She later married, therefore her illegitimate child was adopted by the man her mother married. Many people are probably aware of similar situations in their own families.

But for some reason, the adoption became a bone of contention between mother and daughter. The daughter could not get her mother to talk about it. She was stonewalled, and gaslighted every time she tried. Her mother told her she was crazy – making things up. 

During the podcast interviews, long after her mother had died, the woman still strongly believed she had a right to know who her birth father was. She had trouble forgiving her mother for her refusal to tell her. 

In spite of the fact her daughter had gone through freedom of information channels, to find her birth record, as well as the adoption record, her mother consistently denied the adoption.

Over the years, up to, and including her death, her mother never wavered in her resolve, adamantly maintaining her adoptive father, was in fact, her biological father.

Even on her deathbed, after years of badgering by her daughter, she never did admit it, or tell her who her biological father was. She took it to her grave.

Some people would just let it go. But such is human nature, for some to become obsessed with finding out the truth of their own birth, identity, and history.

In another situation, a daughter, as a teenager, who thought all was well in their family, found out her father was having an affair, and had a child with the other woman. He had also married the other woman, so he was a bigamist on top of it all.

It shattered his daughter’s illusion of their family life. His wife divorced him, and he moved to another country with his new wife and family.

The oldest daughter from his first marriage felt angry, and betrayed for many years, and was estranged from her father.

Finally she broke down, and went to visit him. Together, just the two of them went out for lunch, and sat down for a heart to heart, long-awaited chat. She envisioned this as being some quality, one on one time with her dad, to let bygones be bygones, and patch things up. 

To her utter dismay, she learned her father had done the same thing all over again. He was about to leave his current wife, because he had married another woman. The third wife was expecting their second child. 

So in his fifties, he had three or four young children, and two different women to support. The daughter was gobsmacked. She finally realized he had some fatal flaws. 

She went home shocked, and appalled. She could not even finish her lunch on the day she met with him. She choked on her dumpling, and then got up and walked out.

Once again, they were estranged for a couple more years. At the time, she thought she was done with him. 

However, it was not much later, her father became ill, was diagnosed with cancer, and realized he was dying. He had young children to consider, and his life was a mess. Once again, he was a bigamist.

As it turned out, his oldest daughter helped him, cared for him, and made arrangements for his young children to be cared for. 

Clearly, all of it was a painful experience for her, but somehow she managed to put the well being of others ahead of her own feelings about all of it. 

Perhaps more than anything, it highlights the need for validation of another person’s feelings within families, and the fatal flaws we carry with us to our graves. 

In the first case, if her mother at some point would have admitted the adoption, the relationship would not have become so strained. 

But who really knows why she would have withheld the information. It could have been the biological father was a preacher, a teacher, a neighbour, a married man, or even a family member. 

Or it could have been the whole experience was so shameful, and at a time when unwed mothers were segregated, and hidden away, while simultaneously gossiped about, and judged as the proverbial bad girl, or girl in trouble – by everyone who suspected it.

Her mother may have used strong denial, to protect herself from more shame. It might have been too difficult for her mother to revist the whole ordeal.

At some point the daughter might be able to trace it through familial DNA websites, if she submits her own DNA, and then starts seeking matches. 

There is little doubt. The family we are born into holds many untold stories, secrets, and skeletons in closets, rattling to get out. They are itching to escape with the truth, and dance on a few graves in the process. 

In the second case, it truly is a poignant story about a daughter’s love, forgiveness, and restoration. In the end, her father and his young children, relied on her a great deal, even though he had abandoned her when she was young.

In addition to the grieving family members telling their stories, they also had a group of professionals contributing to the conversation.

There was a couple of palliative care nurses, an end of life doula, a couple of psychologists, and oddly enough – a funeral crasher.

It was actually kind of funny, because the professionals were aghast at the notion of an interloper, who would arrive on the scene of a sacred funeral, interrupt the service, and tell all.

They did not think it could possibly be well intentioned. They tried to coat their disdain in some professional lingo, but he didn’t care. He was speaking for the dead guy – not them.

The entrepreneur who does the funeral crashing, sees it as a growing trend. He said he began the career with one funeral, as a joke, doing it for a friend. From there, it morphed into a full time business, with multiple referrals.

Since the dead don’t give referrals, it must be the theme or concept of funeral crashing, rapidly gaining in popularity.

He unabashedly said he makes a good living at it. He explained he is hired to do a job, the same as anyone else. He sits down with a client, and together they draft up the funeral crashing contract.

Therefore, he has an obligation to do what his client wants him to do. He charges between $2000, and $10,000 to crash a funeral.

He clarified his role as being the final voice, the emissary, or agent – called upon to carry out the deathbed wishes of the person in the coffin.

In spite of the pejorative and judgemental remarks toward his occupation, he blew them off. He was speaking for the dead. They hired him to do the job. He respects their wishes, and honours the agreement.

He rationalized it by saying they are not taking their money with them, and they can spend it however they want to. 

In his role, he would boldly interrupt a funeral, and read out the message from the dead person. In once case, he called out the best friend of the deceased for hitting on, and sleeping with his wife, while he was sick.

In another case, a man with a large family, and a reputation for being a brilliant, and successful businessman – wanted the truth to be known.

He had been a fraud. It was a conscience clearing confessional of sorts. He wanted it to finally be known to everyone at his funeral, that he did not make his money in business at all.  

In fact, he had won a lottery when he was in his early twenties, and managed to keep it under wraps, as he went on to get married, and start a family. 

He did invest wisely over several decades, and did not blow it all, like so many lottery winners do. So to his credit, he did have some business acumen. He made a joke of it, and left all of them with a sizeable inheritance. A truly – dearly departed type story. 

Others were not so lucky, and had some vitriol for ex wives, and ex business partners, as well as people who were false friends.

In spite of the negativities toward the funeral crasher, for making a living off these deathbed wishes, he had no feelings of shame at all, for doing so.

He told the psychologists they were essentially doing the same thing. They too were profiting off the hardships, emotions, and difficulties – where there is a coming to terms, with betrayals that are part of life.

He basically said they were taking money with similar motives. Only they wrap everything in euphemisms, and keep it all hidden from view, whispering in the shadows.

I suppose in a practical sense, there must be some legalities surrounding the role of being a funeral crasher. If the dead person is paying for his or her own funeral, one would think they can have some control over how it is carried out.

It just goes to show you, some people can reach out, and orchestrate a few things, even after they are gone.

The funeral crasher is not limited to speaking at funerals only. Sometimes he reads the messages at end of life celebrations, or during the reading of wills.

The nice nurses, along with the prim and proper psychologists, thought it was just awful, vengeful, and demonstrating a symptom of narcissism.

His final quip was “Hey. Don’t shoot the messenger.” Fair enough. He still has work to do.

When his time comes – someone might try to bury him with his foot in his mouth!

Copyright Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West (2024). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.