Femicide – The Atrocious Ending In Domestic Violence Situations

A recent horrifying spousal murder was captured on a 911 call in Cleveland. The victim was followed into her garage by her ex-husband. She was screaming at him to get out, and then she called 911 quickly giving them her address. She then screamed her ex husband’s name, and told him to stop. Gunshots were heard by the dispatcher, and then all went silent. The spouse was seen approaching, and leaving her house at the time of the murder. 

The man was a 61 year old pharmacist who had just been fired from his job. The couple had only been divorced a few months. Apparently he was upset about having to move from a house to an apartment. The couple had two children, although their ages were not given.

One of the spooky things about this case, is that apparently this man’s father had killed his mother, and then turned the gun on himself. Often it is the people who should not have any guns, who seem to have an arsenal of them. Stay away from anyone who has an obsession with guns. 

In another case, a woman who lived with her husband on a large tobacco farm turned winery, finally decided to leave the abusive relationship. She moved into town and got a job teaching disabled kids. A couple months later she was abducted and murdered. The couple had three children. Her husband and eldest son are suspects, but so far, no one has been charged.

There are so many similar stories, one could go on forever. It is not to say women are innocent when it comes to spousal murder, but they usually get someone else to do it. And statistically men are responsible for 90% of violent crimes. Although some people immediately point to abuse and violence toward men, and try to equalize it – the statistics do not support domestic violence as being equal between men and women.

Biologically men are much stronger, therefore if a fight to the finish begins, it is likely to end with her death, not his. How often do you ever hear of a woman strangling a man? Almost never. It requires a fair bit of sustained strength to strangle someone.

The central issues are loss of control, and loss of money, property and assets. Sometimes this is viewed as being very unfair, or a loss of what he believes he owns, and she does not deserve.

In the case of the woman who had been in an abusive relationship on a large property, turned into a winery, apparently the property had been in the family for several generations. They had grown tobacco initially, and then switched to grapes, with a thriving business. The couple had been married around twenty years. She met him when she was just sixteen, which is often a factor in very controlling relationships. After she left, she made it clear she wanted her share of the farm.

Her husband had threatened her many times. She told people he would kill her if she left. He also had at least a dozen guns. There was no way he was going to give up any portion of the property, including her. After all, it had been handed down to him in his family, not hers. Their son, was already planning to be the next successor, and was working and making a living off the farm as a young adult. The odds were stacked against her, regardless of what the laws say about matrimonial rights. 

When I see or read about these tragic outcomes, I wonder how the woman could have kept herself safe. Some women take martial arts classes. Others will get a gun themselves, especially in the US.

The problem is, no one can be prepared every minute of the day. If they can be watched or tracked, it is easy to figure out routines, when they alone, or going into or coming out of work, the gym, and even hair appointments.

From what I have seen and read about the situations where the woman is murdered after leaving, I think it would be safer to move to a condo with a strong security system, as opposed to a house. It is much more difficult to get into a condo, and there are many more eyes, and ears to witness unwelcome guests.

If he does get inside the building, he still has to basically kick her door down, which would  immediately alert the surrounding neighbours. She could take things a step further, and have a door put in that cannot be kicked down. Some doors are even bullet proof. She would be wise to be sure she is not in a ground floor apartment, or even the second or third floor. Some apartments can be accessed if a person is able to use the balconies, or fire escapes to climb up. The apartment selection should take all these things into consideration. 

Years ago, a nurse I worked with told me a harrowing story. She was a gorgeous woman, who turned heads everywhere she went. But in her case, she had poor taste in men, and gravitated toward the bad boys. She had been dating a guy, and then got involved with his best friend. They were both rather unsavoury characters. The guy she had been dating had given her a car, and I think might have been paying for her apartment as well. When he found out about her involvement with his buddy, he was enraged. 

The apartment she was living in was on the third floor. Late one evening, when she was home alone, the disgruntled boyfriend climbed up to the third floor of the building, onto her balcony, and entered her apartment. She said he was wearing black leather gloves, and she thought he was going to kill her. He beat her up, and then left. After that, she never stopped dating his buddy. She did eventually move on, but it was not enough of a scare to cause her to terminate both relationships. Some people have a lot of drama in their lives. 

In a condo, if it is a higher floor, he cannot access windows, or the balcony. Therefore, the hallway or front door to the apartment, is the only possible entry point, if he does manage to get into the building. Even police, and ambulance cannot get into an apartment building unless someone opens the exterior door for them. Most people will not allow anyone to follow them in through an open door when they are coming or going. If the person does not have a key, and are not buzzed in by whoever they are visiting, they are not allowed in. It is an essential part of condo etiquette, and security. 

In addition, a one way window film could be applied to windows facing the street, or alley, to prevent him from watching her, or shooting through a window. The window film enables the people inside to see out, but those who are outside cannot see in. It also allows the light in, so she is not cowering in darkness. 

Another suggestion, is to stop using a car and take public transit, at least for a period of time until things are settled. This would prevent a person from following her into the garage, or slipping past an electric gate as she drives into the parking lot. It would also prevent him from surreptitiously putting a tracking device on her car. It also gives her a chance to check outside before she leaves, to be sure no one is lurking or waiting for her to come out. She could also switch the exits she uses, so if he is waiting, he would have to sit there for hours, which would draw attention. 

If possible, it would be better to avoid predictable routines. Change salons, coffee shops, and all of the places he knows her to frequent. I also think it would help to change appearance, hair colour, glasses, and even clothing styles. If he is watching her, he will rely on the knowledge he has about her. If something throws him off, or makes him unsure if it is her, it might giver her a chance to get away.

Houses have multiple doors, windows, and entry points. Especially worrisome are the basement, and lower level windows. But it does seem most often the perpetrator gains access through the garage.

The other thing she might consider if she can afford it, is to hire a private detective to follow him around. The entire cat and mouse aspect of femicide following a divorce, requires strategy to help balance some of the fear mongering.

She can set up various in home, and personal cameras so she can review them to see if he has been stalking, or sitting outside her residence or workplace. If he does abduct or kill her, at least it might be caught on camera. She could also wear a body camera. Some of them are almost indistinguishable because they are so small. You can even get a pen with a camera in it, to wear in a pocket. She should acquaint herself with whatever technology is available, in order to protect herself.

She can get a cheap personal alarm that she can carry with her. They are about 2.5″ x 2″ and have a pin to pull, so it quicker than a phone call. Most of them have around a 130 decibel alarm, so it may alert someone to call 911, or it may scare off the attacker. They come with a key chain attachment, and a loop so they can be looped around a handbag. To stop the alarm, you just stick the pin back into the device. Many of them also have mini flashlights. The price range is $5-$20. A small can of pepper spray is around $20 CAD. 

She should avoid all social media that signals what she is doing, or where she is going. Shut down the FB accounts. Get an unlisted number, and turn off all location settings on all devices. Often this is overlooked, but it is a critical safety factor.

In cases that are very high risk, the woman usually knows her life is at risk. She must carefully weigh out whether an acrimonious asset battle is worth it, if the spouse is unhinged.

As far as carrying weapons, some people might make that choice. I can see carrying a personal alarm, and a small can of mace. But as far as guns are concerned, personally I would never want to carry a gun unless I was out in the wilderness.

There are laws around carrying any kind of concealed weapon, including mace. However, we can carry pepper spray in case we encounter a vicious dog. In some locations here in BC, you could encounter a bear or a cougar, even in a town or city. So you can explain away having a can of pepper spray.

Another thing I have carried occasionally, is a kilt pin, because it can be used to attach or fix something to a bag, or whatever, so it does not fit the description of a concealed weapon. Therefore, you can explain why you have one in your pocket. They are very strong with a fairly long pin, around 4″. 

In the Victorian era, woman wore hat pins to ward off gropers, and stalkers. Not many people want to be jabbed with a 9″ hat pin. Plus if it is on your head, it is handy.

If someone is pointing a gun at you, and about to shoot, many people either freeze, or run, or plead. If there is anything handy at all, why not throw something at him? A coffee mug, or anything that might make him duck, or distort his aim. Killing another person is the ultimate act of power, dominance and control.

All controlling behaviours rely upon a predictable response. The key is to do something unpredictable, every step of the way. They cannot control what they cannot predict. They count on fear, and a fearful response, such as begging for your life. They want to see the victim in fear, and grovelling. A murderer does not care if a person begs for their life. In fact it only reinforces their sense of absolute power and control over the victim’s life.

Some women have escaped the most gruelling attempts on their lives. In every survivor story, whatever she managed to do, was the best option in the circumstance. Intuition should never be underestimated. Every situation is unique. There are cases where compliance can be used to buy time, or obeying his commands might appease him. 

Body armour? Like a bullet proof vest? I don’t know. Somehow I can’t envision too many women wanting to go about their daily tasks wearing a bullet proof vest.

And finally, perhaps the best option for those who can afford it, and are willing to cut ties – relocate to another country, and change your name.

Nothing of course, is going to prevent a very determined man with murder on his mind. It is very sad, whatever it is that drives some men to hate their ex more than they love their children, or even themselves. They are bent on destruction, to include themselves.

I think the only peace one could find in such a situation, is to draw closer to God. Pray, increase your faith, read the Bible, and trust in God. That way, no matter what happens, you are safe. God’s love has the power to cast out fear, no matter what our circumstances are.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Copyright Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West (2025). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.