The Challenge Of Forgiveness
This is one of the greatest struggles for me. I know, I too have sinned many many times, and hurt other people throughout my lifetime.
More so, I have sinned against God, by not avoiding temptation, by saying things I should not say, by being angry, and resentful, and sometimes being outright prideful and foolish. I realize all of these attitudes are sinful. I also know we must repent of our sins, in order to change our ways. Some people do not believe repentance is an important part of the gospel message. I believe it is, and have repented, with much remorse over my own sins. I am eternally grateful for what Christ did for me, and others, by sacrificing His life so we can be forgiven.
It is amazing to know Christ asked God to forgive those who crucified him, even though he was going through an agonizing and unjust death.
When reading the story about Stephen (Acts 7:59-60) being stoned to death, it struck me as a remarkable sign of his enduring faith, when he asked God not to hold his death against those who stoned him, even as the rocks were raining down upon him.
We are told to love our enemies, regardless of what they do to us.
I understand these things with my mind. Yet in my mind and heart, there is still a dichotomy standing in the way of total forgiveness toward the teacher who dominated my life, and infiltrated my family with lies, and a cult stronghold.
The reason for this dichotomy within me, is that alongside forgiveness, we are also told to avoid certain people, to have nothing to do with them. We are not to sit in the counsel of the wicked or ungodly. Nor are we to believe and absorb lies. We are to seek the truth, love the truth, and stick with the truth in all aspects of our lives.
The challenge for me therefore, is in order to proclaim the true gospel, as opposed to the hyper dispensational teacher’s indoctrination, I have to reject the false gospel, and learn what is the truth in God’s word, the true gospel. We are told to beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. We are also told not to be deceived, and to test all things. That means we must discern good from evil, reject what is evil, and bring it into the light. Ephesians 5: 11-13
11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.
12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.
In order to embrace God’s promises of being adopted by God, as part of God’s family, I must reject the lies surrounding a pseudo-adoption lie by a false teacher. I was not adopted by the teacher, even though he told those lies repeatedly to everyone I know. Ephesians 1: 4-5
In order to assert my identity in Christ, and honour my parents, as we are instructed to do, I have to tell the truth of who I am, and refute the false accusations toward our mother and me. In my own mind and heart, I have to reject all the lies I was saddled with. Satan is referred to as the father of lies. Therefore I do not see how we can love such an enemy, and forgive those lies.
In all honesty, I have to admit, I struggle to forgive the evil aspects of the plot against my life. It was a persistent, unwavering deceptive scheme that began when I was a teenager in school, and has shadowed my entire adult life. It continues to this day. This harm was inflicted on our mother, on me, and and on my entire family.
It has torn the family apart spanning three generations. It jeopardized my own soul and salvation, and the souls of family members, who continue to hold this teacher in high esteem.
The difficulty for me, is to accept this as the persecution of my entire adult life, when those who have inflicted the harm, have never faced consequences, never admitted wrongdoing, never apologized, and above all – would never take no for an answer.
How can we reject evil if it is forced upon us? We have to be able to say no. The refusal to take no for an answer dehumanizes, and entraps a person. It is like you are treated as a non person, or an object.
In addition to instructing us to forgive, there are also many verses in the bible telling us in no uncertain terms – to avoid certain people. Proverbs 4:14-19:
14 Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men.
15 Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away.
17 For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence.
There are many verses telling us what kind of people to avoid. We also have God-given free will. Most of us leave our teachers behind, and they become a distant memory. Some of them are remembered with fondness, and some of them we remember as being nasty.
But those are within the realm of normal lives, and basic respect. To get saddled with a teacher for life, simply because he came and taught in a small town school for a few years, is beyond comprehension.
As I understand what the bible says, I am to avoid this person. This is something I knew in my heart at the onset. But because he had power and authority over me, and was in collusion with a powerful family member, I was forced to put up with this teacher intrusion in my life.
My main objective was always to get them out of my life. Initially I tried every gentle, loving approach I could think of. I went to every member of my family, and said there is no way my decision to terminate an unwanted relationship with a teacher, should affect my family relationships. After all, we all know the truth, and I am more than willing to forgive my family.
I also spoke to the teacher and his wife, many times over the years, telling them I do not condemn them, or want to damage their reputation. I just want to make it clear there was no adoption, and leave it at that.
There was never a time where I was permitted to cut ties with those people, without more verbal assaults, more manipulation, more threats, and more punishment – all designed to force me back into an unwanted relationship.
Therefore, my struggle, and cognitive dissonance, is between free will, and the right to avoid what is false, wicked and destructive, to include false doctrine – all of which is lying alongside the instruction to forgive.
In that context, I really have to ask myself if I have malice and anger toward them. If I am honest, I cannot be sure. I think I do, and yet I have prayed for years to be released of the stronghold, and snare created by the family infiltration.
The main sticklers for me, is that I tried very hard to get free of this unwanted relationship, and even as an adult they used force. A refusal to take no for an answer, is criminal and exploitive. I want them to know that.
I have written about this situation extensively, in order to try and get it through to them that I said no, and will not resume the relationship no matter what they do. I am trying to assert myself, which is something I was never able to do as a child. Before I could get free of it all, I was pounced on with the same agenda as an adult.
When my husband was alive, the intrusive visits and behaviours from this teacher were very limited. Even though we did not want them in our lives, we also did not want to embark on a huge family conflict, so we remained polite, and tolerated their visits.
My husband told me he did not like the way the teacher looked at me, and when they did visit, he made sure I was never alone with him. So during those years, it was much different. The teacher temporarily lost some of his machismo, partly because my husband was protective of me, which I did appreciate. He was a very tall, strong athletic man. Also, it was because people are much stronger as a couple. We were together seventeen years before he died.
A young widowed woman, is weak and vulnerable, especially if her family does not protect or support her. Magnify it a thousandfold, if her family is forcing the wolf into her midst, and selling her soul to the devil.
In this day and age, why does any woman need a protector against a high school teacher? I cannot count the number of times I wished my husband was still alive, because I think we would have been much more effective in terminating the teacher relationship as a couple.
If I went into details about the history of my own background and family violence, I think it would shock the average person. Fortunately, my husband was not the least bit abusive toward me. The family violence was all from my childhood, growing up isolated on a farm, without parental protection. However, it is still much easier to forgive family, than it is to forgive an invasive intruder.
I find it most difficult to forgive the constant slander against our mother, even though she faced astronomical hardship. I think it was especially evil of him to brainwash me into thinking she was wicked and non-redeemable. He continued denigrating her until I finally cut them out of my life. When he started drilling into me that she was wicked, I was a traumatized teenage kid. To top it off, since I was a toddler, everyone who ever saw us together, told me I was the spitting image of her.
Perhaps most of all, I find it difficult to forgive the teacher’s willful attempt to destroy my soul. I thank God every day, for His abundant grace in saving me from such a fate. There is little doubt in my mind the teacher plot was an attempt to take over and destroy my mind, will, emotions and spirit.
He not only set out to dominate, control and destroy my life on this earth. His objective was to destroy my soul for all eternity, just as he tried to assert the destruction of our mother’s soul for all eternity. The depth of depravity, on a spiritual level, is almost unfathomable. Soul murder, or the attempt to do so, has to be the most wicked thing of all.
After all, our flesh will eventually die, but our soul and spirit is our essence. Through Christ as saviour, by his grace, He has saved us, and overcome death, so believers are granted eternal life. To intentionally try and rob any person of salvation through Christ, is an unspeakable evil.
Still, the question lingers – why? Why was he so bent on destruction to the extent he targeted both my mother and me, in such an incomprehensible and destructive way?
There is little doubt God will judge the hearts and minds of all of us, and there is nothing we can hide. He will recompense, and it is not up to us to judge, or we ourselves will be judged, according to all of our own sin. I get that.
When I think of God’s wrath as it is described in the bible, I also know it tells us to take no pleasure in the fate of the wicked. Nor do I know who among the wicked will seek repentance, and be forgiven.
Many times I have prayed to find a way to forgive this man. I have asked God that if he forgives the teacher, and he ends up with eternal life, can He find a way to keep him at least a few hundred miles away from me throughout eternity? I cannot even fathom having to spend more time with the teacher.
I know it is silly, because all of those who are saved by the blood of Jesus, are of one family, and one body. Therefore we cannot separate ourselves from other true believers, and nor should we want to.
So what I am left with is in trusting the redemptive work Jesus is able to work not only in my mind and heart, but for all of us.
Even though I have to admit to harbouring some degree of ill will, or hurt, I do not wish to see anyone suffer the wrath, and second death as described in the bible. I cannot even imagine seeing someone thrown into the lake of fire.
The only thing I have ever wanted is to be free of the teacher, without being punished and rejected by my own family.
The message to me has always been loud and clear, comply or suffer. But there is no way I can possibly accept the teacher lies and relationship all over again. So the enigma for me, is to reject the relationship, as I have every right to do, and yet forgive, and let go. It is hard to do, when they will not let go of me, and continue the scheming and manipulation to punish me.
I still vividly remember when the teacher would stalk me outside of school. So many times, I tried to run away from him. It triggered his animal instinct, so he would chase me. On one occasion, running through the bush, late at night, in the pitch dark, I stumbled and fell over a tree root. When he caught me he was enraged, panting and out of breath. He growled, “Don’t you ever try to get away. You will never get away, because I will HUNT you down.”
All I could say to him was “I don’t care. I don’t care what you want. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what you believe. I don’t care what you say. Everyone knows you are not my father.” I repeatedly glared at him and said “I DON’T CARE!”
It feels like there is a stand-off of sorts within me. To be honest, as I have said before, I grew to despise the teacher with every fibre of my being. Yet we are told to love our enemies.
Do I love the teacher? I cannot say that I do. Do I forgive him? Even that is a tough question to answer honestly. I can forgive him, by giving it over to God, and asking Him to show me how. I have faith he will answer my prayers.
I do believe in agape love toward our neighbours, those we have had conflict with, and those who have lifestyles we know are harmful to society in general. There are people who at one time, I was at enmity with, and now I realize I was just trying to win a battle, because I was dominated so much in my own life. In many cases, it had nothing to do with the person I was in conflict with, and I hope they can forgive me for my attitude toward them at the time.
None of those conflicts stay with me, because the forgiveness is genuine, and thus it enables us to let things go.
The fact I have not let go of the teacher saga, means I have not found a way to truly and sincerely forgive.
I think part of it is that trauma and betrayal becomes hard wired into our psyche, especially when there has been brainwashing. I know Christ can heal all wounds, and I have faith He will help me find a way to forgive the teacher.
People always say forgiveness is for ourselves, not the perpetrator. Many people will forgive the most atrocious crimes, often within a matter of minutes, which is astounding to me.
Forgiveness is central to the gospel. We have to overcome the challenge, and difficulty surrounding forgiveness and betrayal. It is something our mind or will cannot accomplish on its own. I believe we have to surrender the aspect of bondage that prevents us from forgiving.
Although by the grace of God I was plucked out of the fowler’s snare, there is still a rope or two around me, preventing the full liberation of a Christ centred life. I know it is based on my own weakness, and emotions. The forgiveness must be a spiritual reckoning, in order to provide a complete release of all the hurt and anger. I cannot do it on my own.
In spite of the fact I reject all the teacher’s lies, and reject the relationship, I also know I must forgive.
Most of all I want the cult influence and falsehoods out of my family, especially for the sake of my grandchildren.
The teacher should not be my enemy. Teachers for most aging adults, are left far behind us, having provided a temporary service. Other than this particular teacher, I hardly ever think about teachers from the past. I sincerely want to leave him behind where he belongs.
Just as I repeatedly told him when I was sixteen years old, I don’t care. I don’t care what he thinks, wants, pretends, likes to believe, or what religion he chooses to belong to. In all bluntness, and candour, I do not care. There is nothing there. There is nothing to fight about. It is an apparition and delusion in his mind.
My hope is to put him in his rightful place. He was a teacher, that is all. There is no attachment or enmity with prior teachers, at least in theory. So, I want him to take a seat in the corner with the dunce cap on, and get over himself as some kind of deity, and member of my family.
Once he takes his rightful place in my life, be barely exists. Even as an enemy, he is a phantom. His fable is as elusive, and shady as the dust in the wind. I am not going to fight with anyone, about who I am, and the family I was born into and raised by. It is beyond ridiculous.
To the teacher and his family, I wish them no harm. Once the falsehoods are stripped away, they are still people I barely know. I never did get to know them, because there was no truth in them. How do you get to know those who completely misrepresent themselves? When there is no truth is a relationship, it is all fiction. It was a purely fictional construct, and still is.
Anything built on foundational lies will crumble. Over time, there is nothing left but a pile of rubble to be bull dozed into a landfill. It all deserves to be forgotten, as it has no substance whatsoever.
It morphed into spiritual and psychological warfare, and a familial stronghold that only God can deal with. Ephesians 6:12
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Because it is such a heavy familial burden, I have prayed, and have faith Christ will show me the way to forgive, and most of all, completely forget about the teacher. He does not deserve a space in my head, just like he is not welcome in my home.
Our family needs to concentrate on healing and forgiving each other, without the lies, and interference. We have intergenerational patterns to overcome. There is no point in doing to me, what was done to our mother. Hatred and expulsion from the family, is not going to solve anything. Scapegoating certain members of the family, is not hidden from God. He knows full well what is behind it all.
It is all a major challenge, and is something I know I must endure, and overcome, through faith and trust in Christ.
Psalm 7: 15-16
11 God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day.
12 If he turn not, he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready.
14 Behold, he travaileth with iniquity, and hath conceived mischief, and brought forth falsehood.
15 He made a pit, and digged it, and is fallen into the ditch which he made.