The Gender Conflict – Why So Much Anger?

CBC is now running stories on domestic violence situations that had tragic outcomes. We just had International Women’s Day to help draw attention to women, and perhaps find ways to scratch the surface on the source of all the anger.

Rural areas with long, cold winters, high unemployment, poverty, and relationship breakdown have a disproportionate amount of domestic violence. But the profile of the high-risk domestic situation goes far beyond a simplistic description. There are layers and layers of religious, legal, power struggles, conflicts, addictions, stressors, effects on children, and failure to cope, to add to a complex subject

Similar to addiction, domestic violence has no respecter of persons. It happens across all walks of life. It exchanges stability for chaos and a vicious cycle.

If thought is deeper than speech – and emotion is deeper than thought, to get to the depth of the problem, we must look at the emotional elements that are contributing to so much anger.

We can choose to vilify the perpetrator, which they often deserve – but the prevalence of domestic violence goes beyond the percentiles of sociopaths. There must be other contributing factors.

The first contributing factor is drug and alcohol abuse, especially if the person is predisposed to angry outbursts and blaming others for his predicament. Drug and alcohol abuse causes people to do things they would not otherwise do. If there is any pattern of abuse relating to substance abuse, the family needs to be protected. The addict needs to abstain from anything that causes a loss of control.

For those who are quick tempered by nature, self-control and seeking other outlets are what most driven personalities resort to. What is more problematic is if a person is stewing and brewing over conflict or perceived betrayal.

Issues surrounding money, divorce, custody, and infidelity create high-risk situations. In order to help address the situation surrounding domestic violence for the individual – is to leave and do not go back. But, in most cases there are children involved.

Some people externalize anger, while others internalize it. Some of us can forgive, let go, and move on more easily than others.

For women, maintaining integrity and fairness is paramount. There have been many complaints made by men who feel they are discriminated against in custody battles. We need to acknowledge that men love their children as much as women do. We have to understand that equality must be across the board on all matters, not cherry pick the things we want to equalize.

In other cases, there is a very authoritative religious male dominance, which orders women to obey their husbands. Some people take small excerpts from the Bible and create dogmatic rules around it to suit themselves. The Bible also says to esteem one another equal to or higher than oneself. Why not stick with that one instead?

The purpose of anger is to make a grievance known. The sooner that can be done, the better. The more we can focus on communication, collaboration, best interests of children, and a healthy balance of interests, the more likely things will improve.

For women, intuition, past behaviors, and the more subtle “red flags” should never be ignored. Sadly, there are many relationships that become a toxic cocktail. Emotional and intellectual dominance without physical abuse can be just as destructive and cannot be ignored.

For men, don’t let your own insecurity overcome common sense and stability. If you don’t trust your partner, there is no point in staying in the relationship, unless you can identify what needs to change and agree upon it. Controlling behavior stems from insecurity. It is especially important to be secure and stable for the sake of children and your own future.

Perhaps every marriage license should require a disclosure regarding any prior charges of intimate partner violence. In addition, if there is domestic assault, it could be framed so that violence results in a court-ordered dissolution of the marriage, combined with a no contact order that is equally binding on both sides.

If there are children involved, the violent partner needs supervision with them (mandated by the courts). That way, men cannot use violence, intimidation or threats without facing consequences and forced change. There should be zero tolerance for violence – with the knowledge that a single episode will change life as they know it.

Other things that might help: more resources for talk therapy, counselling, managing anger, addiction, balancing logic and emotion when choosing a partner, parenting, support systems, learning how to fight fair and manage conflict, evaluating power imbalances, outlets such as exercise and hobbies – and basically anything that builds on strength and security, as opposed to weakness and insecurity.

In spite of all the challenges involved, people continue to fall in love, get married and have children. Praise to all those who manage to gracefully and peacefully exit toxic relationships – and kudos to those who manage to stay in love.

Copyright Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West Vintage (2020). Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West Vintage with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.