The Importance Of Setting Personal Boundaries ~ It’s Critical

Let’s face it, some people will not respect personal boundaries. Others will back off for awhile, and then if they get an inch, they will push their way in, and take the proverbial mile.

If we grow up as people pleasers, or care givers, or in an environment where boundaries are not respected, we don’t have very good skills when it comes to setting boundaries. Those who want to dominate or control, will keep pushing boundaries like a telemarketer on speed dial. They just don’t give up.

It is even worse, if the person has established a pattern of boundary violations, and assumes you have no choice but to be nice, compliant, obliging, hospitable, etc.

In such a case, you have to change your own reactions, and stop being nice. You have to be very firm, and make it crystal clear, that you are no longer continuing the relationship in any way, shape or form. It can be quite a battle, depending on what their motives are.

In some cases, women have to get restraining orders. Boundary violations, if unchecked, and not respected, can lead to violence. Boundaries are closely associated with fundamental and inalienable rights. If a person has a callous disregard for the rights of others, they will also violate and push boundaries.

If someone persistently violates boundaries, or tries to get access to us, or catch us off-guard, or attempts to get a foot in the door, in my experience, we have to be very firm. No means no. It is an important lesson to learn when it comes to protecting ourselves.

The first question that comes to mind, is “what on earth do they want from me?” Clearly they want something. But what?

They might want your time, your attention, your labour, access to your home, your assets – or they may be enamoured with you and want your companionship. They might want to push their way into your life, and know that if they can do it once, they can do it again. They might want your services, such as nursing services, errands, computer services, or other tasks. They might want your soul.

Whatever it is, they want something. For some reason, they believe you can offer benefits to them in some direct, or indirect way. You are a pawn in their domain, only you may not have figured that out yet.

That is why people who tend to push boundaries get their way, and then are even more difficult to get rid of. It is much better to pay attention to red flags, and act early, as opposed to allowing it to go on. People who consistently violate boundaries, will not give up easily if they have already suckered you in.

Setting boundaries with people who refuse to accept boundaries, is a constant challenge. They do not give up. To them, it’s like a game of numbers. If they try forty nine times and you manage to keep them out, they still think they might catch you off guard, or in a situation where you cannot maintain those boundaries, if they push past them, again and again.

I believe we should all live by the golden rule. It is pretty straight-forward – treat others the way we ourselves would want to be treated.

If someone is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, I am under no obligation to have any kind of relationship with the person. We have a fundamental right to protect ourselves from unwanted attention, and/or exploitation. We have to guard our minds, will, and emotions, every bit as much as we must protect ourselves physically.

What if the person is just being nosy? What if they want to offer you a cherry pie, just to prove they are “nice”? I guess it depends on how well you know the person.

If a good friend, or family member does something nice for us, of course we are going to be appreciative.

But if someone we hardly know, or have made it clear we do not want them on our doorstep, then what? Be polite, and accept the cherry pie? No. Why? Because often such gestures are a ploy.

In my opinion and experience, the answer is no. Don’t accept things that might become an excuse for non-stop interruptions, or boundary violations over your time, and your life. Don’t let them make you feel an obligation to return the favour, or open your life to them for a cherry pie. If I want a cherry pie, I will go to the grocery store and buy one, since I am no good at making pies. But I have yet to buy one, so why would I feel obligated to be filled with gratitude for such an offer?

Another thing to note if you watch true crime shows, is that people who are victims of crime, are often described as being so nice, and so helpful. They also don’t have “an enemy in the world”. Obviously they did have an enemy. They just didn’t see them coming, or more likely, they saw them coming, and invited them in.

For most of us, if we want to be social, we can join a church, a club, or find people with similar hobbies. That way, when we meet someone we feel we can trust, or have things in common with, we can decide what terms we want to see them on. We don’t have to get railroaded.

I think one of the best ways to filter and avoid unwanted, potentially toxic relationships – is to set boundaries early. If there is a lack of respect shown for those boundaries, you know you are dealing with a person who will become increasingly controlling and intrusive. We tend to learn the hard way.

Another manipulative tactic, and one that is common in romance scams, is that suddenly the person has a crisis. If you listen to the stories of the victims, they get groomed, and then they get taken in by all the catastrophic events, and sense of urgency. The accident, or illness or mishap, almost always leads to demands for money or assistance. They play upon the victims inclination to have empathy, to trust things at face value, and then to part with their money. Once the person is invested, it is more and more difficult to back out of.

Some warning signs: One warning sign is if the relationship has a distinct power/dominance imbalance. For example, if the person thinks you owe them something (when you don’t), or if they believe they are vastly superior, or they are boss over you for some reason, it is likely toxic. Maybe they dominated you in the past, or had a superior role over you, and keep assuming the same power stance.

Maybe they see you as a challenge, a project, or a possession. Whatever it is – when we do not feel comfortable around someone, we have no obligation to open the door to them. We have no viable reason to allow them into our lives at all.

Thankfully, most normal people do pick up on cues, and will respect boundaries. Reasonable people want to be in mutually supportive relationships, not forced or coerced relationships. Loving one another cannot be achieved if there is deception and scheming, as opposed to a genuine respect for the other person’s choices.

Those who think they know what is best for others, are usually focused on what is best for themselves. We all have to understand – we do not decide for others how they should live their lives, and who they should associate with. Love does not control, coerce, or dominate other people.

We need discernment now, more than ever before in history. Without being judgemental, we still have to be aware, because the wolves are out in full force. We have to be watchful and alert. We don’t know if they will be wearing sheep’s clothing. They could be wearing just about anything.

God does not force us to be in a relationship with Him. He gives us a choice. If we did not love Him freely and by choice, it would not be love. In fact, the very essence of love, revolves around freedom of choice. The Ten Commandments were designed to protect us, give the parameters for boundary setting, and provide overall guidance. We cannot love one another, if we do not respect boundaries.

Everything from loving God, to loving our mother and father, to telling us not to steal, covet, commit adultery, bear false witness, and not to kill – should keep us in line. At least, one would think so, given the story of Moses, and the historical importance of establishing the Ten Commandments. But we fall short, and when we do, we have to repent, and go back to those basics, or we will suffer the wrath of God.

The ultimate and greatest boundary violation of all – is murder. Most people who are murdered, are murdered by someone they know. So what is the biggest mistake a murder victim makes? They allow a person that may have demonstrated many boundary violations, to have access to them. The biggest mistake they make, is in believing the person would not kill them. They underestimate the perpetrator.

The Bible tells us to resist the devil, and the devil will flee from us. In addition, we are to do good, not evil. If you pay attention, evil or wickedness has many facets, but the biggest one is deception. Therefore, we cannot rely on being naive and gullible. We are supposed to have discernment.

We need to fine tune our discernment, and listen to our intuition. We also need to protect ourselves, and not let ourselves be caught off guard, so someone can push past, or break down our boundaries. We have to protect our minds and our hearts too.

Trust is earned. It is essential in all loving relationships. But if trust is broken, it takes time, and a process of communication, forgiveness, and healing to re-establish trust. In those cases, we seek reconciliation and forgiveness, when it comes to people we love, such as close family members. We do have to forgive those we love, many times over.

But if the person who is plaguing us is not family, and not someone we love – we have no duty to accommodate them. None. Zero. Do we have to forgive them? Probably. But that does not mean we have to put up with more abuse. In some cases reconciliation follows forgiveness. In other cases, it completely terminates the relationship, and forgiveness is a matter of letting it go.

If someone else has broken our trust, we are best to walk away from them and put it behind us. After all, we have seen their true colours, and if they are not aligned with our own values, there is no point. In fact, resuming any relationship that has demonstrated a series of red flags, could potentially be dangerous.

Over the years I have become much more introverted, so can see both sides of the introvert extrovert coin. I do understand why people want to be left alone. I can also see why it is better to quietly mind our own business, and work with our hands. The Bible gives us that bit of wise advice as well.

We are living in a society that is exhibiting a great deal of boundary violations. People are out in droves trying to push agendas that others are not comfortable with. As a result, there are confrontations and protests.

All I can say is – set boundaries. Be firm. Protect your children and yourself. Set up some personal policies. It might be – No means no. It might be – listen to your intuition. It might be – do not open your door to unannounced knocks.

If you know the person, they will text first, or wait for an invitation. Random knocks, means that person wants something from you. They expect you to open the door, and respond. But you don’t have to, and in many cases it is safer not to.

For those who watch true crime shows, the biggest mistake countless victims have made, is to simply answer a random knock on the door. In the case of the Nova Scotia shooter, a few people survived it because they saw him, did not trust him, so they quickly locked the doors, and avoided him. It saved their lives.

If you are a female living alone, it is a good policy to avoid opening the door to random knocks. If you have kids, and dogs, and lots of people coming and going, the knock might  be as innocent as informing you that you left the gate open, and your dog is out. Or it may be an Amazon delivery.

But if you are not expecting a package, and you don’t have a dog – and you abide by the golden rule, then stick to your own rules. If you don’t go around knocking on random doors yourself, why should you give access to yourself and your home, just because someone knocks? You are automatically caught off-guard and uneasy.

Maybe you are just about to get in the shower. Maybe you are in the middle of a zoom meeting. Or you might be in your pyjamas, and not the least bit presentable. One of my policies is that I open the door – when I am ready to go out and face the world. I don’t expect to be bothered, if I don’t want to be bothered. Plain and simple.

As the years have gone by, I have grown to appreciate my privacy. I would far rather be alone, than with someone I do not want to be around. I have never liked gossiping, and sitting around engaging in long boring conversations. But those who do have a sense of humour, and a genuine sincere personality, are the true gems we come across in our lifetimes.

Unfortunately, not all of us come from loving stable families, which makes it much more difficult to get to know people. How do you explain a family history rife with boundary violations? It creates a barrier.

There seems to be a bit of a balancing act between being nice, and being rude. The middle ground I suppose, is to be nice to people in general. But if they will not respect boundaries, you might have no choice but to be rude.

We cannot change the behaviour of other people. Nor do we have to be subjected to it. We can close the door, turn the dead bolt, and maintain the option of keeping it closed.